I feel heartbroken. But not in the usual rejected way. Instead I feel heartbroken because I cannot feel towards someone who I think deserves it more than anything. And I feel heartbroken because I had to do what I should have done with Michael 4 years ago & that was tell him the reason I do not want to be his girlfriend is because I don’t find him attractive.

Josh: But I’m being stupid for liking you … You are just such a beautiful and awesome person … I’m usually not too friendly with people I don’t even know the name of yet and I started flirting with you right away.

I really, truly hate myself right now. I really do. Look at that. I mean, I’ve got a guy who respects me in every way possible & thinks I am simply wonderful the way I am & yet I don’t feel a thing towards him except a good friendship. Why must I be cursed this way? I’m always complaining about being rejected & when something like this happens, my heart can’t feel.

Josh: so why don’t you feel that way towards me
Josh: not to guilt trip or anything and I don’t mean this in a taunting way… but is it because of HCB or something similar
Me:
Me: I … I just don’t find you attractive in that way. And maybe another part of it is the fact I would feel guilty making a comittment to you when I have feelings for another person. But I think the big thing is I just really like the friendship we have, more than anything.
Josh: well .. thank you for being honest… seriously… I just had to know a reason.. thats all…… at least it isn’t he same reasons as everyone else
Me: Josh, it breaks my heart to tell you what I just did.
Me: Really it does. I’m practically in tears because I don’t want to hurt you.
Josh: why?
Josh: you didn’t do anything to hurt me… its just rejection (for lack of a better term)… you didn’t like pretend to love me for the sex and cheat on me while I wasn’t looking
Josh: I think your forgetting what I’ve been through… It takes a whole lot to hurt me
Me: and at least I didn’t make the mistake I made 4 years ago & pretend to like you & be your girlfriend hoping that real feelings would develop
Josh: yeah… I’ve had that too
Me: I feel like such a hypocrite. I complain how much I hate being rejected & yet look what I am doing. I hate hate hate hate HATE it!
Josh: its alright… don’t worry about it…..
Me: easier said than done, I’m afraid
Me: and just so you know, I don’t know what your method for handling rejection is, but if it is anything like mine, I will understand completely if you need to somewhat ‘cut me from your life’ in order to move on.
Josh: at least now I know I can keep looking and not wondering if that chance with you could be there
Josh: now why the hell would I do that
Me: well it’s what I do.
Me: I’m not saying I know best, but I tend to cut people from my life for awhile after I’ve been rejected by them. Thank God for summer vacation this year.
Josh: there is only one person that I truely cut off and thats my mother…. everyone I cut off is usually because of something they did to me thats beyond all such as rubbing what happened in my face and then braggin about the new boy toy theyv’
Josh: got
Josh: well.. I wont cut you off
Me: for me, it’s always been an ‘out of site, out of mind’ sort of thing
Josh: I don’t want you to be either
Me: I know I don’t want you to, mainly because you have become such a good friend to me. And considering I’ve lost two best friends within the past several months for unknown or LAME reasons, losing a friend because I don’t like them more than a friend would simply crush me to pieces.
Josh: hey …. at least you didn’t end up being a 1/2 girlfriend for me… that one really sucked
Josh: then you have nothing to worry about
Josh: do you know why exactly you don’t feel that way toward me… maybe its something I can change for future reference?
Me: it’s not you as a person
Me: I just don’t feel the attraction
Josh: is it my personality, the way I act, my looks, smoking, my obsession with cars?
Josh: H) All of the Above?
Josh: hehe
Me: like to put it bluntly, I can’t imagine doing anything more than possibly holding your hand or cuddling with you. anything beyond that like kissing in such just totally isn’t there for me.
Me: it’s not your personality or who you are or your past
Josh: I’m confused then…. if you wouldn’t feel like go past the hand holding or cuddling (which I love) then it has to be something
Josh: There has to be something that turns people off?
Josh: is it my flirting, um.. happiness, .. um… ect
Me: I’m not saying with me, but maybe with others it’s the flirting
Me: like overly-flirting?
Josh: ah I see
Me: but thats not my reason
Josh: then what is?
Josh: if its something as simple as you are shooting for HCB first then trust me … thats nothing on my scale
Me: I just don’t find you attractive … I mean you’re cute in your own dorky way so to speak … but argh it’s hard to explain. It’s like trying to explain why I don’t like my other friend Brett in ‘that way’
Josh: oh kay… that’ll work

I hate having to tell someone I don’t like them because I don’t find them attractive, and yet I’ve been an, “I want someone to like me for who I am not what I look like!” person. I feel like such a heartless bitch. But then again, this is the conversation I should have had with Michael four years ago.

I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I feel like crawling up in a cave & rotting.

[Edit] I thought I would mention that I work 2 days next week, and neither one of them is with Josh or HCB. Harumph, says I.
Tuesday: 4-8pm
Friday: 6-10pm

No Comments

- - -

← I really hate my body. Like really. or Gonna be a writer!! →

No Comments

For spam prevention, comments on this post are closed.
You may contact me for further discussion.