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CategoriesAbout a boy and a girl. A long time ago.
Written on Monday, January 21st, 2008 @ 9:48pm Written on Monday, January 21st, 2008 @ 9:48pmI spent this past weekend up in my hometown to celebrate my mom’s birthday. Technically her birthday was yesterday, but we kinda made a whole weekend out of it. I think she was really happy that both Joshua and I came up to celebrate it. It was way better than my grandparent’s idea of meeting halfway and taking her to a restaurant that only they wanted to go to; not to mention Mormor wanted to invite Nana because apparently I need to reconcile with her. 
The whole family aka me, Joshua, Smelly, and Dad all took Mom out to a nice Italian restaurant in Placerville. The last time I had been there was sophomore year for Homecoming dinner. We had a reservation at 6pm, and yet we didn’t get seated till about 30 minutes later due to all kinds of difficulties. In fact we had decided to walk out and go to another restaurant when the host actually ran after us begging us to give him a chance and make it right; I thought it was very cool of him to do that.
Earlier in the day my sis and I talked about possibly going to the movies later in the evening. We decided if time permit, we’d go see Juno. I told my mom it was up to her since I didn’t want to leave her birthday dinner abruptly for a movie. She was totally okay with us going and by the time we got to the theater previews had already started. When we were looking for a seat Smelly suggest 2nd row from the top. I looked where she was pointing and saw none other than Matt, the one guy out of all my previous interests that I still think about the “What if?” to this day.
I met Matt in March of 2002 after rehearsal for my high school’s production of Evita. I was sitting outside of the theater with my sister and two of my friends waiting for my mom to pick up my sister. Matt was sitting near the theater waiting to be picked up from track practice. My sister, friends and I were goofing off having a good time hanging out and Matt just came over and kinda joined in with us, mainly flirting with me. Immediately we hit it off, and I was so amazed that for the first time in my life a good-looking guy approached me first. Of course just when things were getting good, my mom flies through the parking lot ruining the moment by yelling for my sis to get in the car. Completely mortified I took off to my truck.
The next day I was hit with such an overwhelming amount of confidence I spent the day seeking out this mystery man that I had flirted with from the previous day. You can imagine how crushed my little heart was when I found he was currently in a relationship. It wasn’t until closing night of the play (a month later) that I discovered he was single. Again the confidence bug bit me, and I was determined to talk to him after the play; however he left the theater before I even had a chance. Around that time I was also crushing hard on another guy (Jonathan) so I figured things with Matt and I were just not going to happen.
The summer passed and so did the BS with Jonathan and Laura. School started again and Jonathan broke our (mine and Laura) hearts making it clear he had eyes for only one girl and it wasn’t either one of us. To move on I decided to slowly pursue things with Matt. It worked out pretty well since Debbie’s best friend was dating Matt’s best friend so it gave us an excuse to visit and me to get to know Matt again. Eventually I got the courage to ask him to Homecoming and was pleasantly surprised when he answered yes. Of course this being a first thing for me (not being rejected) I was kinda unsure about how to act around him.
I still had a bit of what I like to call “middle school behavior” in me in which I tried to find out how he felt about me via Debbie and her friend. And instead of confronting him about it, I believed the things I heard. I started hearing things like he just decided to go with me because his parents were making him go to Homecoming, and a few other things that discouraged me. I didn’t want to be a pity date. And also Debbie decided to profess a secret love for Matt which put me into a situation of where my loyalty was, and probably scared Matt considering she was a very close friend at the time. Still Matt came through coming over for dinner to meet my parents prior to the dance. Yet I could tell that during the dance things were awkward. I’ll never forget how quiet he was while we waited in line for pictures. He kept looking around with this look on his like he would have rather been anywhere else but there. With me.
When I look back on it now I see certain things I did, just little things, that could have possibly turned him off. For I didn’t let him drive me to the dance, and I didn’t even stop to think how that made him feel. I was told he just got his license, and wasn’t allowed to drive other people because of the law for new drivers at that time. I didn’t want to put him in the position of having to lie to my parents if there were to ask him how long he had been driving. Did I tell him that? No. Should I have? Possibly. Would it have made a difference? I have no idea. Or perhaps the fact I didn’t give him the chance to have a say in anything other than tickets. I guess the reason I acted the way I did was at the time a part of me was so grateful he said yes that I didn’t want to put any further obligation on him to make him reconsider going to the dance with me. Afterall, a part of me was looking at the dance as a test-run to see if he was interested in pursuing something more.
After the dance he came back to my house where we basically just hung out. We walked around outside, and it seemed like every time a “moment” was going to occur one of my parents would ruin it by flashing the lights outside or yelling after me or something. They claim it was because they were worried about him getting home because lived pretty far away. Was that true? I don’t know. Maybe it was and maybe they were just being parents. I’ll never know whether it was me or whether it was my parents or what, but either way something didn’t click because when I came back to school on Monday, nothing had changed between him and I.
Debbie continued keeping me up to date on the so-called “gossip” involving Matt and I. The idea I was a pity date was being implied more and more through the rumors I heard. Instead of talking to him about it, I believed what I heard and did the worst thing I could do at the time: blog about it for everyone to see. At the time, almost everyone in my school knew where my LJ was so eventually Matt found it. I don’t know if he found it on his own or someone showed him, but whatever happened he called me up to talk about it. I was a coward at the time due to embarrassment and fear of rejection, so I didn’t verify if the rumors were true. Instead I acted like I didn’t care, and things were fine.
By the time December rolled around I was prepared to tell Matt how I felt via a letter. I made fudge for all my friends for Christmas, including Matt except his fudge would come with the letter. In this letter I wrote how I was sorry about my behavior and then flat out told him I liked him, why I liked him, and that I was hoping something more could happen with us. He had my number so I told him to call me to talk about. I gave this to him on the last day of classes before our two week winter break. I never heard from him. I saw him at church Christmas Eve, but I’m not sure if he saw me. I figured that in the words of Hilary Duff, “Thank you! You made my mind up for me when you started to ignore me!” When school came around again I didn’t see him the first week (apparently he was out sick), but when I did see him the second week I confronted him in which he gave me the classic rejection line, “We’re better off just being friends.”
I gave him a little something for his birthday - a 49ers bumper sticker since he was a football player and he loves the 49ers. After that I was done. I didn’t go up to his area and hang out like I used to; however I did get along quite well with one of his close female friends so avoiding him completely wasn’t so easy. In fact we ended up going to a concert together and at that time he was actively pursuing a girl I had known since my elementary days. When senior year started he felt the need to parade this girl in front of me, like getting over him wasn’t hard enough. Eventually my attention was turned to the events happening with meeting Joshua at McDonald’s so naturally Matt disappeared out of the picture entirely.
Things have been going great with Joshua, yet every once in awhile I run into Matt. I never see any of the other guys I like anymore. But God keeps throwing Matt out there every so often. This Saturday night was one of those cases where I had to question if God is trying to tell me something. And I think he was because he put us there in that particular movie. In that movie Juno’s father says this amazing quote…
In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That’s the kind of person that’s worth sticking with.
As much as I think about what would have happened if it did work out with him and I, it’s that quote up there that makes me realize Joshua is the only one who can really make me happy. I don’t think I could ever be happy with Matt. When I was around him I felt like I had to try too hard. And sure, maybe I had a lot of growing up to do too. But at the end of the day, it’s Joshua who thinks the sun shines out of my ass. 
- - -
I’m not sure, mum’s birthday is January 16th, but we didn’t celebrate it until the 20th because that was the earliest weekend date.
I hope I was forward enough in letting you know how much I liked you when we first met ;) …. And that is one bright sun!
Aweeee. That was a pretty cute story. I’m glad you’re happy w/ this Josh fellow too. I think most of us have had a kind of “Matt” in our lives that leaves us wondering for years. It’s nice to find someone who can make everything so clear ^^
[...] the corner with two 5lbs. dumbbells. My class actually has more women than men in it (including a Matt clone, gaahh can’t get away), and lots of aerobic machines. Our warm-up consists of doing God [...]
Hey there Miss Cena.
I am so glad you wrote this blog entry. I do really apologize to you for any stress or ANYTHING, on my part, that I put you through. I am SO GLAD that we have been able to kinda put all that stuff behind us now and be friends! You are awesome, and again, I apologize for anything I may have done. I hope you are wellll!
Aww @ Josh’s comment. XD
I can definitely relate with you about this, hehe. I almost went to a college in another state for a guy…but if I had I wouldn’t have gone to UCF, started playing WoW, and then gotten to know Chaz better. XD
So it really is interesting about those “what if” people in life. What’s great is that every time you see that person or remember them you are also reminded of just how happy you are right now! Even though it’s awkward, sometimes I appreciate when those moments happen…because then I feel a little flutter of satisfaction about how my life has turned out compared to how it probably would have been, if that makes sense. XD
Ooh, now I have to go find out more about how you met Josh! :D
*spelling* Joshua. :P
Yay! I read it! I think I’ve read it before, I just wanted to again. :D That’s so cute!
You know what’s silly is that I didn’t share the same attraction with Chaz at first either. XD These boys just don’t give up, do they? I guess that worked out for the both of us. ;D